Chamberlain: Personal Thoughts

Reflecting on 2015

1:17 AM

Grab some snacks and something to sip on, this is one long and rambley blog post, haha!

I know I just started this blog, and that you guys don't know me all that well yet.

However, this blog is supposed to be just as much for me as it is for you. I read this blog post by Zoë, and instantly knew that I wanted to do the same.

2015 was quite the year for me. It was packed full of ups and downs for sure. In hindsight, the second half of the year was so much better than the first.

I learned a lot of things about both myself and others.

January

My person came round and rang in the new year with myself and my family. We took silly pictures together, watched a ton of Netflix, and just had so much fun. I hadn't seen her in quite some time, so I enjoyed every minute of it all.

January was also a month that I rekindled a friendship that I have had since I was 3 years old. Let's call her my Forever Friend. It was no coincidence that we both ended up studying at the same uni. It was such a relief when I left the lunch we had together feeling like she and I had picked up right where we had left off.

This was also the start of my second semester of college, which I consider to be fairly monumental. Uni dominated my life, haha.

I found out I had a class again with a guy I had met at the beginning of my freshman year. I'll call him Engineering Guy. I think he liked me, but I'm not sure, haha. He always asked me to eat dinner with him in our student union before walking to the class we had together. It was a night class, so he would always walk me back to my dorm to make sure I got their safely. However, it never went any where more than that, and we've kinda lost touch now.

February

A lot didn't happen in this month that was out of the ordinary, other than signing a lease for my first apartment. In hindsight, this was a massive step for me.

Sure, I had 3 roommates, but I was still living on my own. At this point, yes, I had been away from home, but I still had my RM AND was living with my now ex-best friend (to be explained later in this post).

So to have signed a lease to be on my own was a very daunting and very adult thing to do, and I'm proud of myself for doing it. Now, I can cook and bake and have friends over and hide in my own space when I need it.

March

My person came round again, and we went to a bridal shower for my family where we had to wear silly hats. I have a massive sombrero, but my mum thought it might have been too over the top. So, I opted for my cheetah print one. In hindsight, I totally could have worn it, and it would have won the award. BUT I'M NOT SALTY ABOUT THAT AT ALL!

Also, Frozen 2 was announced, and I felt like the world was ending because I just I love Frozen. (I'm still in shock that another is in the works.)

IT BETTER HAVE KRISTOFF AND ANNA, I'm just sayin'.

April

As I mentioned in my 22 facts post, my birthday is April Fools Day. This meant that I was going to be spending it without my family for the first time ever, since I was away at uni.

I grew up in a family where you always had a birthday cake on your birthday. Taking matters into my own hands, I bought myself a cookie cake ahead of time, picked it up on my birthday, and took it to my church.

This is what it looked like when I went to pick it up like three hours later:

Oh, that picture still makes me laugh. I guess that's what happens when you put free food in front of uni people, haha.

At this point in the year, I was struggling in Calculus and hired an outside tutor. It just so happened I had tutoring on my birthday. (Lucky me, huh? Haha).

Anyways, I was on the way back to my dorm with my two friends from my English class from tutoring when I got a call from the pizza delivery service.

They told me my pizza would be there in 20 minutes. I was SO confused. The pizza guy was like "Did you not order a pizza?" I told him, no, I did not.

My mind immediately started racing, and I became very frustrated whoever was playing this joke or prank on me. I was going to have to pay for this now? I wasn't even at my dorm!

Then, the pizza guy asked if I was my grandma.

And then it clicked.

She was surprising me with a pizza on my birthday.

I felt so loved.

Since I wasn't at my dorm, I started wondering who was going to get the pizza. My roomie/ex-best friend immediately came to mind. I called her, thinking that she was going to think I was crazy, you know, with this surprise pizza and all.

All she said was, "I know."

Now, I felt really loved. Apparently she had coordinated with my mum and grandma about what surprise takeaway I wanted for my birthday.

I later asked her how she found out, and she said she found out the night before by saying, "Mmmm, you know what sounds good? Pizza." And I just agreed with her. That's how she knew what I wanted.

So because of all of that, my first birthday away from my family actually ended up being pretty good.

April, though, also had some tears. I was away at school when I found out my great uncle had passed away. He had been battling cancer; I was devastated. When things like this happen in my life, I've found I just want to be outside.

My roomie/ex-bestfriend just hugged me as I sat sobbing and suggested we take a walk.

On our walk, I found these beautiful flowers. It reminded me that life, while so fragile, is still so beautiful. Those flowers were so comforting, and I thank Jesus for giving me that moment every day.

Oh, and April was the month I finally decided what I wanted to do with my life and switched my major to becoming a middle school math/science teacher.

May

May, oh, May. How I do loathe you so. This is the month all hell broke loose in my life.

I'd say the only good thing that happened in May was I got addicted to Grey's Anatomy, realized how amazing my English classmates were, and I moved back home.

I remember it clear as day, sitting on my bed, crying my eyes out. Grey's could distract me from my life no longer. I was worried sick about my GPA. I was worried about failing Calculus, about failing a class.

I was not a failure. I had never had to worry about my GPA before. I was a straight A student, and now I was scared to death of losing my scholarship. If I lost that, I couldn't come back to uni. (I managed to keep the GPA I needed, barely, but I did.)

This all was happening whilst the roomie/ex-best friend was out in the hall on the phone with her ex boyfriend about his break up.

I cried myself to sleep, not wanting to bother her. I think I was hoping that I was just being silly. I never said anything about this day to her, and I regret that so much.

Anyways, we both moved back home and fell out of contact with each other. Stuff happened, that I really don't want to go into detail, and I went off on her whilst her pet was dying.

Once I realized how wrong I was, I apologized and things were okay for a little bit again. We were talking, but it was more small talk, which frustrated me.

Oh, and my person, well, she was there for me. I went round to her house, and it was amazing.

June

More crap went down between the now ex-best friend and I whilst I was in the middle of a family vacation with my family.

This upsets me a little to this day because when I think of those places I went such as Yellowstone National Park, I don't think of the place itself, but rather, how exactly I was feeling that day, what the state of my friendship was at that point in time.

Don't get me wrong, Yellowstone is beyond beautiful. I loved every minute of it.

I can't wait to go back whenever I do.

July

Even MORE crap went down. This was the end. I was crying on my kitchen floor. She had become someone who I had no idea who she had become.

I went and helped save baby turtles and went kayaking for the first time, and that's all I pretty much remember that was positive from July.

Oh, and my person and her entire family came round for the day. WE HAD SO MUCH FUN!

August

The very real reality set in for me. I was going to be living with 3 people I hardly knew, and now, I was basically going to be alone. I was terrified. My anxiety was through the roof.

The song "Breathe" by Taylor Swift came on shuffle, and I lost it. I wrote this post on my Tumblr.

I moved back to uni, and that night, I got a text from a friend from last year, asking if I needed a ride to church. It hit me, I wasn't alone.

I went to church; I wasn't going to let my ex-best friend stop me from living my life. When I got there, I immediately saw that she was there with her boyfriend. And it all felt like it all came crumbling down. (I didn't let anything show, though, really, and I am so proud of myself for that.)

After church, my friend that had given me a ride, asked if something had happened between my ex-best friend and I. (Up until this point, my ex-best friend and I were stuck at the hip, never did anything separately.) I told her yes, and we set up a lunch date.

At that lunch date, I laid everything out. I held nothing back. There were tears.

And I came out feeling like I needed to call my ex-best friend. We hadn't spoken since July, but I wanted to try and make things at least cordial between the two of us.

I decided that I was going to be more involved in my church community.

September

My phone call was never returned, and many many lunch dates with my friend later, I talked to her about how I just wanted closure.

She told me something that resonated with me: "Sometimes, you just have to give yourself the closure you want."

Once she told me this, I realized I was in control. I had cleared my side of the street; the ball was in her court. There was nothing else I could do.

I started saying yes to things. I said yes to going on the fall retreat my church was having. I said to yes to going to things I never had imagined I could go to before (Concerts, football games).

I started baking. I started hanging out with my friends from church.

I was so happy.

October

This month was awesome! It was the month I went on the fall retreat with my church. I grew so close with everyone on the trip.

The last night we sat around a campfire and told everyone things we loved about them. It's a memory I will never forget.

I also went to a fair and rode rides. (Something I never thought I'd be able to do.) Turns out, that is actually one of my most treasured memories of 2015.

This is also the month I read Jesus Is and started consistently being in my Bible and journaling.

I found out my family was going to able to take my person on vacation with me to my favorite place on Earth: DISNEY WORLD!

I seriously did not think I could get any happier.

And I wrote this updated Tumblr post:

November

Not much happened here other than me being incredibly happy. I went to a friend's birthday and baked my first pie ever. At the party, we played Twister and Catch-phrase, and it was just a really good time.

I'm so proud of saying yes to going to that.

I also went to see Christmas lights with my church friends. That was a ton of fun.

Oh, and I read the sequel to Jesus Is, which is Life Is.

December

The month I had been looking forward to!

Bad parts of December: failing math and erasing pretty much all of my backup external hard drive in one night

Good parts of December: EVERYTHING ELSE

This was probably my favorite month of the entire year. I got to take my best friend in the entire world to Disney World.

This was Space Mountain. Her favorite ride!

I was there when her childhood dream came true.

She also had her first character breakfast and asked Pluto why he had a bun on his head.

We stopped for over half an hour to color these two bears in the China pavilion and then had to run to England for lunch. (We were almost too late.) Duffy was mine; Maurice was SJ's. He's part albino, but we don't like to talk about that. He's insecure about it.

We also had the time of our lives with this DJ. His name is Steve Dunlap.

AND THEN IT WAS CHRISTMAS TIME AND ALL WAS WELL IN MY SOUL

Now, I need to highlight one very important person that made my 2015 the way it was: my person, my Meredith, my sweet, amazing S.J. Bouquet. Without her, this year would not have been what it was for sure. She, with a little help from my church friends, are why "Clean" by Taylor Swift is now the song I relate to and not "Breathe".

To this day, SJ is the only person that knows everything that happened between my ex-best friend and I. That's because she was there through it all. She read all the screenshots, let me cry, let me rant, gave me advice. She even tried to help rescue the friendship.

She put a smile on my face when all I wanted to do was cry. She pointed me back to Him.

And she did all this whilst she was going through her own stuff and living her own life.

She sent me this in the middle of everything, and on the tough days, I remember what this picture says, and it makes it all easier.

So, SJ, this is for you and you alone:

Oh, and I love you more!

2015 taught me so much. It taught me to learn to love the little victories and enjoy every moment. Because life, it's fragile. So, why not live your life in a way that makes you happy? Truly happy. It taught me to surround myself with people who pick up the broken pieces of you when you've given up. And it taught me that it is possible to keep going after all hell breaks lose.

2015, I am so grateful for you, all the hurt and pain and joy and love and everything in between. I am grateful for all of it because it made me grow as a person.

If I had to pick a quote, that sums up my 2015, it'd be this variation of Taylor Swift's quote: